(Photo illustration by Getty Images)
In theory, the act of forgiveness seems pretty straightforward. After all, you really only have two choices—to forgive or not to forgive. What’s so hard about that, right?
Well, a lot. A whole lot.
The truth is, our ability—or lack thereof—to forgive someone doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s influenced by all kinds of things: The severity of the hurt, our emotional investment in the relationship, the perceived injustice, our own vulnerability, and sometimes, even a strong desire for retribution of some kind.
And that’s OK, but get this: Choosing not to forgive someone often hurts you more than the other person.
When we’ve been hurt by the hands, words or actions of someone else, our bodies automatically experience an emotional response. For some, it manifests as fear or anger. Others feel profound sadness or frustration. I call all of these feelings collectively “the yuck”—and the yuck you’ve been hauling around can take a real toll.
For instance, your blood pressure may skyrocket. You might start getting frequent headaches or become overwhelmed by an intense sadness or debilitating stress. You may begin suffering from inexplicable physical ailments that no healthcare provider can figure out, regardless of how many diagnostic tests you’ve had.
Make no mistake, the yuck is a very heavy burden to bear, and it’s one that lives in your life rent-free if you allow it to.
It’s easy to confuse holding on to those negative thoughts and emotions as some kind of punishment of the person who has wronged you. Unfortunately, more often than not, the person you think you’re punishing has simply moved on, giving no credence at all to what they’ve done or how it has made you feel.
So, why do you want to continue to give your power away to something that wasn’t your fault in the first place?
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean condoning poor behavior. And it certainly doesn’t mean relinquishing control or giving in.
Forgiveness is an intentional decision to give yourself permission to consciously let go of the hurt, anger, fear, frustration or vindictiveness that’s weighing you down. It is a decision to give back that which is not yours to carry. And it’s a decision that is incredibly freeing, one that has the power to heal, restore, and transform you and your relationships, and open the door to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
It is time to forgive someone in your own life?
I choose “Yes,” every time.
Kee Dunning is a distinguished licensed clinical professional counselor, acclaimed speaker, educator, and owner of Dunning Counseling and Consulting in Billings, Montana. She is also the founder of KEESTONE Communication (keestonecommunication.org), a nonprofit organization with a mission to foster a kinder and more respectful world by empowering others through effective communication. She writes a monthly column for the Daily Montanan.
The post To forgive or not to forgive: Really, that is the question appeared first on Daily Montanan.