A mural of the Clark County clock tower is displayed on Sept. 16, 2024, in Springfield, Ohio. Springfield, home to a large Haitian community, was thrust into the national spotlight after former President Donald Trump made claims during the presidential debate against Vice President Kamala Harris, accusing members of the immigrant community of eating the pets of local residents. The claims, which have since been called into question, have been circulating online and in the news media, and in the days following the debate local institutions faced multiple bomb threats. (Photo by Luke Sharrett/Getty Images)
It’s 9 pm. Do you know where Snowball is?
What if she’s turning on a spit over an open fire, while some sinister illegal bastes her with Heinz Kansas City Barbecue Sauce?
J.D. Vance, the Paul Revere of America’s pet-eating crisis, has sounded the alarm: the Haitians are coming! The Haitians are coming!
They will eat your cats, your dogs, your gerbils, your parakeets, and your downy ducks.
MAGA adores animals. Large and small. Even dead ones.
Former U.S. President Donald Trump and Ohio Republican U.S. Senator JD Vance. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the newest addition to Team Trump, sawed the head off a whale and drove it around. He placed a dead bear cub in Central Park, where it could rest on soft, lovely grass.
All done out of love.
But no matter what anyone says, he did not, DEFINITELY did not, eat a dog.
He’s not weird.
J.D. Vance (also not weird) heard about his home state’s pet-eating atrocities from people online who heard it from some neo-Nazis, so you know it’s true.
Lying like a champ for America
J.D.’s staff told The Wall Street Journal they heard some lady in Springfield, Ohio, filed a police report about a missing feline, suggesting her Haitian neighbors catnapped Miss Sassy for God knows what purpose: Stew? Miss Sassy sushi?
Miss Sassy eventually turned up in the lady’s basement, almost certainly hiding because the Neo-Nazis told her she could end up fricasseed and served with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
The leftist wokesters are now freaking out because J.D. admits he kind of invented the pet-eating thing, but only to save America.
They don’t care about America.
‘Creating stories’
Anyway, he says he was “creating stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people.”
Wouldn’t you lie to protect decent Heartland Americans menaced by dark-complected invaders from what our revered President Donald J. Trump (may God continue to protect him as he fights for us on the war-zone golf courses of Florida) calls “sh–thole countries”?
Sure, the Haitians have helped revitalize Springfield, paying taxes and all that, but their ways are different from ours: They worship at strange churches and openly speak a foreign tongue in the aisles of our grocery stores.
(And they’re, like, Black.)
The skyline of Springfield, Ohio. Right-wing activists have spread lies about the town’s Haitian community. (Getty Images)
Whereas J.D. is a real American, so dedicated to making America great again he’s prepared to lie like a champ on national TV and threaten to deport the Haitians and all the other immigrants who dare live in our country, building houses, working in abattoirs, Amazon warehouses, and poultry plants, and picking tomatoes — highly sought-after minimum-wage jobs Americans would love to get if only our government could stop coddling these aliens.
The wokester commie Harris faction points out the Haitians have Temporary Protected Status, so they’re in this country legally.
Democrats are obsessed with “the law.” They’re the weird ones.
Haitians taking revenge on the French. Credit: Marcus Rainsford (19th century) via Wikimedia Commons
Maybe they don’t realize dumping on Haiti is a cherished American tradition.
White American folks revolted against our colonial masters in 1776; Haitian slaves revolted against theirs in 1791, but that was different.
We refused to recognize Haiti until 1862.
Then we occupied the place a couple of times, stole some good land, and told them to sit down and shut up.
What would a bunch of Black people want with freedom anyway?
Unimpeachable evidence
Back to the cat-eating business. J.D. didn’t really mean he made it up. After all, doesn’t it feel kind of true?
Look at all the disgusting things other foreigners eat: snails, brains, eels, nettles, testicles.
Plus, trusted authorities such as Tucker Carlson, Laura Loomer, and Christopher Rufo think the Haitians are definitely chowing down on Fluffy.
Rufo, the hero who transformed the artsy-fartsy, gay-friendly, academically minded, highly ranked New College of Florida into a Jock-and-Jesus junior college, has published an impeccably researched online essay which proves Black people are indeed eating our precious fur babies.
In “The Cat-Eaters of Ohio,” Rufo cites unimpeachable evidence from a guy who claimed “the Africans” living next door to his kid’s mother in Dayton were definitely kitty-cooking.
This guy made a video peering into the “Africans’” yard, reporting in real time: “There go a cat right there. His ass better get missin’, man. Look like his homies on the grill!”
Rufo posted the picture of those feline homies on the grill, so — naturally — J.D. Vance re-posted.
It’s what any decent white American would do.
The backlash from radical Kamala Harris-supporting communists was predictable: “I find it strange that a self-professed ‘hillbilly’ doesn’t know what whole chickens look like,” snarked one America-hating leftist.
Another said, “Clearly chicken, you weirdo. Dude’s never seen chicken that wasn’t dino-nugget shaped.”
Others said those poor little kitties on the grill seem to have wings and only two legs, but that proves nothing.
They could have been surgically altered to resemble poultry.
Righteous crusade
A few people, losers like the mayor of Springfield, the governor of Ohio, and most of the state’s so-called “citizens,” keep begging J.D. to shut up about the cat-eating, what with scaring everybody, forcing schools to close, and the KKK dropping leaflets all over the place.
It’s not J.D.’s fault. “There is nothing that I have said that has led to threats against these hospitals, the bomb threats and so forth,” he said. “It’s disgusting. The violence is disgusting. We condemn all violence.”
Everyone knows Republicans condemn violence, except against Enemies of America such as poll workers, Capitol cops, women needing abortions, Black men driving cars, students protesting genocide in Gaza, and former vice-president Mike Pence.
But let’s not get all hung up on town festivals getting canceled, kids afraid to go to school, the Proud Boys marching, and Haitian immigrants cowering in their homes.
It’s a small price to pay in the righteous crusade to get media attention off Kamala Harris, get Donald J. Trump elected, and make America white again.
Besides, you’ve seen the pictures proving President Trump is heroically fighting for the American pussies he loves so much: here he is firing a machine gun from a jeep full of cats with their furry fists raised; here he is with a duckling and a cat tucked under each arm while a bunch of nasty, scary, lunch-minded Black men chase them.
MAGA will save them.
This America: Whatever Kamala Harris puts in her stinky curry, by God it won’t be Mister Whiskers.