So, your child just came out — as transgender, lesbian, whatever they may be — and you’re scared. This young person who you’ve known for their entire life has flipped your world upside down with one new piece of information.
As a nonbinary teenager, I understand. I was that child. I understand how hard it is to grapple with the fact that this person you’ve known for so long is not who you thought they were. But now, you have a decision to make: do you accept your child or not?
You may be wondering: why am I even discussing this? I am telling you because recent studies from the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Reports show that LGBTQ+ youth are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers. I am telling you because polls by the nonpartisan Public Religion Research Institute show that U.S. public support for LGBTQ+ protections has fallen for the first time since 2015. And I am telling you because FBI crime statistics state that anti-LGBTQ hate crimes across the nation have jumped by 19%. In states with laws targeting LGBTQ issues, school hate crimes against LGBTQ+ youth have quadrupled.
Just this past February, non-binary teenager Nex Benedict from Oklahoma committed suicide after a fight in the school bathroom where they were harassed by three fellow students. The world has never been a safe place for LGBTQ+ youth. You must show your child that they are supported because the world outside your home is telling them otherwise.
If you don’t support your child, they will have no one to turn to when they are inevitably accosted simply for existing. To say “My child won’t be harassed” is absurd. I am 17 years old; in the past two years, I’ve been verbally harassed by complete strangers more than 50 times simply because I “look gay.” I have been told to kill myself because I’m openly non-binary. The unfortunate reality of this world is, if this hasn’t already happened to your child, it probably will. And the only way they’ll get through it is with your support.
I am not going to tell you that you have to accept your child. Regardless of your personal beliefs, you are an adult who can make your own decisions. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between support and acceptance. Acceptance is the agreement that something is right. Support is loving your child, regardless of whether you agree with their self-expression.
Of course, every child wants their parents to accept them, but, above all, they need a safe and supportive home. They need parents who will talk to them about any issues they are facing. You cannot guarantee your child’s safety in the world; the only place you can guarantee they’ll be supported is in your home, where you have control over the environment that is created. According to a survey released by the Trevor Project in late 2023, 65% of LGBTQ+ youth reported they didn’t feel their home was an affirming or comfortable space for them. 36% of the participants said they don’t expect to live to the age of 35. I tell you this not to dissuade you from making your own decisions, but to remind you that, however you react, take caution.
How you respond after your child comes out to you is crucially important. As long as your response is thoughtful, your intent will come across to your child. However, it is not so much about what you say but the actions you take. When I came out to my mother, she didn’t say much; instead, she read four books on what non-binary means, talked to my therapist about any questions she had, and ensured she was fully informed before making an opinion.
This is the best way to show your child support: sustained action after they come out. Even if you don’t accept your child as queer, doing your own research will show your child that you care about them.
So truly, this is your choice: will you provide your child with a supportive space? Or, will you leave them to fend for themself in a world without the capacity to love them as you can?
Sophia Miller lives in Madison.