Houses stand as icebergs drift by in Disko Bay on July 15, 2024, in Ilulissat, Greenland. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)
Florida’s simply not large enough: As part of a growing empire, we need a bigger place.
People keep coming here, especially Canadians, clogging up the aisles in Publix, ostentatiously ordering Molson beer in bars, bragging about how they don’t have to worry about going bankrupt paying for health care.
Canada owes us big time, so it’s only fair they cede their territory to us. We’ll call it “Florida North” (not “North Florida” which, as everybody knows, is weird).
Why not? Canada doesn’t do anything but sit up there being polite.
Politeness is a security risk.
Also, the Canadians have oil, which should clearly belong to us.
As the Dear Leader asserted the other day in his completely rational press conference, if the 51st-staters don’t play nice, we’ll bring them to their frostbitten knees with “economic force” and turn their so-called “provinces” into good Christian Florida counties with lousy hospitals and empty libraries.
“Governor” Trudeau (what a loser) says there’s “not a snowball’s chance in hell” we’ll get Canada.
Yeah, well, in MAGAmerica, hell is full of snowballs: We call them big, beautiful tariffs.
If the tariffs don’t work, there’s always the 101st Airborne.
While we’re at it, we might as well invade Greenland.
Maybe we’ll give Denmark, a small loser country which claims Greenland is an autonomous territory of its kingdom, a bit of money for the place.
A place in Nuuk
This would be awesome for Florida, too.
Floridians used to dream of having a house in North Carolina to escape the Sunshine State’s eight months of summer, but when the U.S. gets its mitts on that big old hunk of ice in the North Atlantic, Floridians can get a place in Nuuk.
Cheap!
Besides, as a blond lady on “The Five” (obviously a distinguished historian) reminded us, back in 1867 President Harry Truman offered the Danes, a people known only for pastries, $100 million for it.
They should have taken the deal.
Now the Danes (many of whom are large dogs) are being rude and nasty, and if there’s anything the Dear Leader hates its rudeness and nastiness.
The so-called “King of Denmark” changed his coat-of arms, which used to have a tiny polar bear — the symbol of Greenland with a bunch of lions and crowns.
Now the polar bear is really big, like the king is saying “Greenland isn’t for sale.”
Au contraire, mein amigo: Everything is for sale.
Ask Elon Musk: He bought the presidency of the United States for a mere $250 million.
Don Jr. took a “day trip” to Greenland on Jan. 7, merely, you know, as a snow-loving tourist, called his father from a restaurant, and put him on speakerphone.
Anybody sitting there, innocently enjoying their seal-meat Suasaat, could hear Don Sr. hollering, “You see the people and the ships sailing around and they’re not the right ships. They’re not the ships you want to know about.”
Anyway, Greenland: The place should be grateful we want to give them the benefits of our civilization:
“Real Housewives.”
Unaffordable homeowners’ insurance.
High fructose corn syrup.
Guns.
‘Liquid invasion’
Besides, Greenland totally owes Florida for the flood damage it continues to inflict upon us.
As the never-satirical Florida columnist Frank Cerabino points out, Greenland persists in sending “giant chunks of your ice floe into the Atlantic, knowing fully that they will eventually wage a liquid invasion against the low-lying coastline of Florida.”
An act, he says, of war.
Nations have been carpet-bombed for less.
If Greenlanders keep saying “no,” the Dear Leader warns he might resort to military force.
He doesn’t like the word “no.”
It’s perfectly clear this God-favored nation needs both Canada and Greenland for “economic security,” “national security,” and to make America great — or at least way bigger — again.
As deep thinker and Manifest Destiny Dude Jesse Watters remarked on Fox, “The fact that they don’t want us to take them over makes me want to invade. I want to quench my imperialist thirst.”
If the British, the Spanish, the French, the Chinese, the Portuguese, the Dutch, the Belgians, the Moguls, and every-damn-body else gets to colonize, we do, too.
We’re not stopping at Canada and Greenland, either: the Panama Canal is also on the list.
So what if there’s some “treaty”? We’re imperial America. Treaties mean nothing.
Ask the Indians. They thought they had treaties, too.
Jimmy Carter gave that canal away and look what happened to him?
Sure, he got the Nobel Peace Prize, but the guy never made any money.
Loser.
While we’re at it, there’ll be a little rebranding.
The Gulf of “Mexico” is now the Gulf of America. We’ll make Mexico pay for the new maps.
And how do you like the sound of “Trump International Canal”
Beautiful.