Then-Rep. Matt Gaetz arrives on stage during the Turning Point USA Student Action Summit held at the Tampa Convention Center on July 23, 2022. Now Donald Trump wants to make him attorney general. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)
In January this year, Donald Trump said that if he were reelected president, it would be “highly unlikely” he’d appoint Ron DeSantis to his Cabinet.
Eleven months later, Ronbo says he didn’t want no stupid job anyway.
So there.
Cheer up, Ronbo! You got what you said you wanted way back when you were still cloddishly trying to win the Republican presidential nomination: America is now Florida.
The very worst of Florida.
Now Ronbo is like the kid who wasn’t invited to the cool party, left standing outside looking in the window at the fun.
Smart money says his political career is not merely toast, it’s burnt toast left out in the rain.
The American people met him in the primary race, and the American people did not like him.
He can only sigh wistfully as he watches Rep. Mike Waltz of St. Johns County become Trump’s national security adviser, and Susie Wiles, Trump’s campaign manager, become White House chief of staff.
Wiles worked in Ron DeSantis’ 2018 gubernatorial campaign, but Casey DeSantis didn’t like her: Apparently, Wiles was insufficiently deferential and also fell afoul of DeSantis’ weird persecution complex.
She left and ended up running Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign.
Bet Ronbo now wishes he hadn’t alienated and insulted her.
Rubio and Scott
But wait, there’s more: Trump says he will name Marco Rubio, Florida’s second dumbest senator, U.S. secretary of state.
In the past, our thirsty Marcocito has called the president-elect “vulgar” and a con-artist, suggesting Trump is incontinent, and that his stumpy little hands indicate a deficit in the, er, masculine member department.
These days it’s all polluted water under the collapsing bridge: Marcocito is perfectly happy to sell his soul for power.
Florida’s first dumbest senator, Rick Scott, just tried — again — to get himself elected Senate majority leader.
Again, it did not go well.
Scott lost in 2022; this year, he was eliminated in the first round.
He won only 13 votes.
Scott looked a bit perplexed afterward: How could he lose to the likes of John Thune, a McConnell guy, a guy from South Dakota, which has no beaches whatsoever?
It’s not fair! Elon Musk said he supported Rick Scott! So did Donald Trump!
And that nice conspiracy theory white supremacist lady Laura Loomer, too!
Even Ted Cruz endorsed him, and everyone loves Ted Cruz, except for the entire Senate and people in 49 out of 50 states.
But back to Ron DeSantis’ favorite subject: Ron DeSantis.
Ronbo gets to appoint someone to finish out the last two years of Rubio’s Senate term.
The MAGA-verse is humming with rumors: Who will it be?
James Uthmeier, Ronbo’s chief of staff?
Ashley Moody? Florida’s attorney general shares DeSantis’ casual attitude to the Constitution.
How about Lara Trump?
Lara Trump and Matt Gaetz?
Members of the Trump World brain trust, including Alabama senator and kitchen showroom model Katie Britt as well as our own Rick Scott, say the aspiring chanteuse wife of Eric Trump should be installed in what those silly old “democracy lovers” used to call the “world’s greatest deliberative body.”
Her hair-flicking vacuousness and bottomless ignorance (see Rick Scott above) make her the ideal pick for the state of FloriMAGAduh.
All this is vastly entertaining — assuming you enjoy watching America slide into fascism — and it allows Ronbo a last bit of attention on the national stage.
But the real action isn’t in Tallahassee, it’s at Mar-a-Lago.
Donald Trump’s a foul-mouthed rapist, a liar, and a felon with a decency deficit the size of the Grand Canyon and utter contempt for the law and the Constitution.
So, it’s no surprise he’s nominated mini-me Matt Gaetz for attorney general of the United States. It’s the most Florida Man thing Florida Man Trump could possibly do.
Gaetz, a sneering nepo baby known to boast about his sexual conquests on the House floor, has not endeared himself to many in Washington (see Ted Cruz above).
Sen. John Fetterman, D-Pennsylvania, calls him a “jerk-off.”
Sens. Susan Collins, R-Maine, John Cornyn, R-Texas, and Joni Ernst, R-Iowa doubt he’d make it through the confirmation process.
Sen. Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska, called him “unserious.”
Clearly Trump would choose someone who, like him, has a mugshot.
Admittedly, Gaetz has not yet been convicted of a crime, but give the boy time — he’s already criminal-adjacent.
Demanding to see the report
The House Ethics Panel has been investigating him for sex trafficking an under-age girl, using illegal drugs, and accepting illicit gifts.
Two days before the House findings were due to come out, Gaetz resigned. Congress no longer has jurisdiction over him.
But the big boys and girls in the United States Senate — both Democrats and Republicans — are demanding to see the report.
That could take the puff out of Gaetz’s pompadour and, in a functioning democracy, would be enough to quash his nomination.
MAGAmerica
But this is MAGAmerica: Trump’s likely to demand the Senate abdicate its most serious constitutional duty, handing Gaetz and the rest of the Klown Kar Kabinet — the brain-worm anti-vaxxer who’ll be in charge of Centers for Disease Control, the white supremacist Fox “News” host who’ll be in charge of the Pentagon, the Putin-loving fruitcake as head of national intelligence — recess appointments.
That means Gaetz, JFK Jr., Pete Hegseth, and Tulsi Gabbard would have two years before they need real Senate confirmation.
Plenty of time to help Trump destroy the nation.
Should the Senate demonstrate it’s in possession of a functioning spine and rejects the usurpation of its duty, Matt Gaetz could run for governor of Florida.
Sure, he’s said he won’t, but since when do we believe anything that sleazy critter says?
After all, he’s currently unemployed.
He’ll have to beat the other agents of destruction hungry for the top job: Ashley Moody, CFO Jimmy Patronis, New College President Richard Corcoran, Rep. Byron Donalds, even First Lady Casey DeSantis.
Assuming, of course, there’s still a state to govern and a sulky Ronbo hasn’t completely reduced Florida to a smoking pile of odoriferous rubble.
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