A gold statue of former President Donald Trump on display at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Feb. 26, 2021, in Orlando. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)
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“I LOVE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, PRIVATE SCHOOLS, AND MANY OTHER PLACES.” — Donald Trump on Truth Social
The great state of Louisiana wants to put the Ten Commandments up in classrooms.
Have you read them? Incredible stuff.
The Commandments are the greatest.
God wrote them. Most people don’t know that.
God has the best words. Like me.
God is a good friend of mine, right up there with Xi, Putin, Kim Jong Un, all the greats.
Photo by Michael Smith | Getty Images
We talk a lot. He’s always saying, “Sir, you are the greatest president I’ve seen in my 26.7 billion years.”
God’s like family. Says I remind him of his son.
Jesus was King of the Jews; many, many people are saying I’m the “King of Israel.”
Jesus was persecuted; Trump is persecuted.
People don’t realize they tortured me in the Fulton County Jail.
The corrupt Soros-cops wouldn’t allow my stylist in before they TOOK MY MUGSHOT.
Like I told the Faith and Freedom Coalition (great people), “If I took this shirt off you’d see a beautiful, beautiful person, but you’d see wounds all over me. I’ve taken a lot of wounds.”
You know who else took a lot of wounds? Jesus.
Somebody said to me the other day, “You’re the most famous person in the world, by far.”
I said, “No, I’m not.” They said, “Yes, you are.”
I said, “No.” They said, “Who’s more famous?”
I said, “Jesus Christ.”
I’m not saying I’m the same as Jesus. He didn’t own even one very tall beautiful building.
But like I told the Faith people (great Americans), I have more wounds than any other president, even Abraham Lincoln, who I also resemble.
Fore!
Back to the Commandments. I love them all. But some people want to take them away from us and destroy our beautiful religion.
Not Trump. The Commandments are the best.
Most of them.
Numbers I and II are good. I like the stuff about thou shalt not have any gods before me, which obviously means ME, Trump.
Also, maybe Jesus.
The not-worshiping any graven images is OK.
Unless it’s a beautiful portrait of me.
People get Number IV wrong: They think keeping the Sabbath holy means going to church, but that’s fake news.
People play golf on Sunday. Golf courses are sacred.
Especially Trump National Bedminster. Ivana, my Eastern European starter wife (we call her the “First Ex”) is buried there. She had a beautiful life, especially when she did exactly as I told her.
Her grave is near the first tee. Beautiful real estate. Worth millions.
Anyone can buy a plot there and spend eternity in New Jersey, which many people are doing. There’s a combined mausoleum and wedding chapel too.
Bedminster is now legally a cemetery, so I get a nice tax break. Smart.
Commandment V is a no-brainer. You bet I honor my father. My mother, too, but Dad’s the one who gave me that small, million-dollar loan that helped me become New York’s sexiest billionaire reality TV star.
The “thou shalt not kill” thing in VI is OK, too, except some people — BLM, Antifa, Mike Pence, maybe most Palestinians — deserve to get whacked.
I need to get in on Jared’s idea of moving the Palestinians to the Negev desert and developing Gaza’s beachfront property.
I’m a stable real estate genius.
Maybe a little adultery
Number VII is a big problem. I got on to God and said, OK, sure, don’t commit adultery, but shouldn’t there be some amendments, like what if your wife just had a baby, which everyone knows is gross, and some hot porn star who looks like your very voluptuous daughter is ready and willing?
Or what if you’ve only been married for a couple of years and you’re still deciding whether you want to trade her in for a newer model, and you meet this Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Mansion (totally not your fault) and, seeing how beautiful you are, totally throws herself at you?
While we’re on the subject, a lot of people have problems with the not-stealing and not-lying.
(God’s great, but He doesn’t understand business.)
Commandment X is garbage. No offense God, but it’s a disaster. A big disaster. Totally rigged.
It says “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey.”
I’m saying to God, “I don’t care about the servants and the donkey — who wants somebody’s farm animals? They stink.”
But this is some Marxist Communist woke crapola. If people don’t covet their neighbor’s house or wife, the whole economy goes to hell.”
You see your neighbor’s house: It’s got an Olympic-sized pool with a fountain, nice toilets with a strong flush, and a lot of marble.
You see your neighbor’s wife, who’s a young and beautiful piece of ass.
You need to make a lot of money if you want to buy those things.
So, you get into the casino business and build some really beautiful tall towers in Manhattan and leverage the hell out of them and take out huge loans.
That’s capitalism.
Addenda
Maybe we don’t terminate the old commandments (even though some of them are garbage) but why not add some better ones? Who says we only get ten?
When I’m back in the White House, I’ll give America new commandments. Everyone will say they’re the best commandments.
How about Trump-mandments like:
Thou shalt drill for oil on every piece of available land, except near Mar-a-Lago?
Thou shalt not let the poor have stuff for free?
Thou shalt not take the name of Trump in vain?
My Justice Department will bring back stoning for anyone who breaks our beautiful supersized 10+ Commandments.
Stoning is a major, major thing in the Bible, especially in the Trump MAGA Lee Greenwood Proud To Be An American Ditch NATO Bible (the best Bible, $59.99).
God said it was good.
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